


The Bronze Deer - Pilot Episode: Meat The Bronze Derr

by MinervaFeatherflight



Series: The Bronze Deer Series [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/M, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-23 09:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23109535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinervaFeatherflight/pseuds/MinervaFeatherflight
Summary: Thought this was a fic about the Golden Deer? Guess again fella, this right here is The Bronze Deer. A dumbed down, alternate reality fic with stoner (or even worse) level comedy. This story goes through used memes, dead memes, jokes about other the alternate reality, fourth wall breaks and so much more. Sit back and enjoy the sheer stupidity, strap on, or don't, and grab some popcorn, 'cause this is going to be one hell of a ride your last two brain cells won't survive.
Relationships: Hilda Valentine Goneril/Claude von Riegan, My Unit | Byleth/Lysithea von Ordelia
Series: The Bronze Deer Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1661068
Kudos: 6





	1. Meat The Golden Derr

**Author's Note:**

> This fic and future episodes of this fic contain mild graphic violence as well as swear words, however the swear words are all bleeped for your enjoyment. I, the writer, do not take any of this seriously enough. All bullying, sarcastic or real sounding is something I do not encourage, nor tolerate, and you shouldn't either. These are all fictional characters except one fourth wall breaking joke character and anything that happens to them is purely for entertainment purposes. If you wish not to read this fic, then don't, but if you do, look forward to more.

Pilot Episode: Meat The Bronze Derr

-Raph's title, nobody touch it.

Lorenz: Raphael! Stop marking your titles with chicken bones?

Raphael: Whut? I wus hungry.

Claudio: Quiet you two! Can't you see we've got to introduce ourselves to our lovely (CL)audience here?

Raphael: Whut do you meen? I don't see N-E-1.

Leonie: Raphael, why are you talking so weirdly?

Raphael: I don't believe in the letter 'eh'.

Leonie: A?

Raphael: Ye.

Leonie: Raphael what kind of stupid dunderhead told you not to believe in the letter a?!

Raphael: Whut letter? I don't know whut you're referring to.

Leonie: WHAT THE EFF MAN?!

Claudio: Wait... So how do you spell my name then Raph?

Raphael: C-L-O-U-D-I-O!

Claudio: Raph, that spells Cloud-io. Can you just admit it the letter A exists?

Raphael: It doesn't.

Claudio: Yes it does.

Raphael: IT DOESN'T EXIST! I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE LETTER 'EH' or CIRCLES!

Raphael ran out the door fighting back tears, with his hands and arms flailing around like a peacock trying to mate.

BigNutz: Raph we haven't introduced ourselves yet!

Claudio: It doesn't matter, let's just get it over with. I'll start! I'm Claudio a pro gamer and excellent memer, but you might know me as Claude from Fire Emblem Three Houses. In fact we're all Fire Emblem Three Houses characters. We're The Bronze Deer.

Hilduh: I'm Hilduh, but you might know me as Hilda. We all come from an alternate reality, so some of us might differ. I'm very tough and I like to fight on the front lines. I also like ice caps and long walks through the jungle.

BigNutz: I'm BigNutz, known commonly as Ignatz, but that weak little pipsqueak ain't actually me. I crush people with my 40 lb nutz. Sometimes people use them as pillows when watching a movie. The doctors said I had elephantitis, which is a rare condition where one part or multiple of someone's body is huge. They said I should probably have them removed since they could become a real problem, but I told them no because the ladies would love me.

Leonie: I'm Leonie, and for some reason my name didn't switch between the alternate realities. Must have been a glitch when Byleth used a Record Pulse (a time's pulse for all you young-lings). Byleth is a DJ here, so instead of simply rewinding time, he said it had to "Be Flashayyy!" I like weed, weed, and weed. Thank god Raskolov, my dealer told me about eating the weeds. They're amazing. Mellow out with me some time.

Dimitri: I heard my name mentioned just now. I've just gotta thank y'all for using my street name since I'm still on probation and nobody can know. Don't worry Leonie, I got your mushrooms coming in soon, I've just gotta meet up with Ashe to give him the good stuff.

Lysithea: I basically live forever. Don't ask how, just accept it.

Lorenz: The name's Lorenz Hellman Muthaf*****' Gloucester B****, don't forge- Wait a second!

Lorenz froze and felt around his mouth with his hands wide-eyed and confused.

Lorenz: Did... Did I just get censored? WHAT THE F***! When did this happen? WHO DID THIS! COME OUT HERE SO I CAN BEAT YOU WITH MY MONEY BAGS!

Minerva Featherflight: I'm just going to stay behind this booth here, perfectly safe.

Mari Janne: Yo, who's that?

Lorenz: F*** THIS S***! My FATHER will hear about this.

Claudio: Who are you, Draco Malfoy? A-Anyways, let's just finish this up. Raphael left, so I guess I'll introduce him. Raphael is an American teen. He likes bench pressing, protein powder, unsavoury magazines, and PARKOUR. He dislikes Lorenz, anything to do with Lorenz and apparently doesn't believe in the letter a or circles.

Mari Janne: I like pissing off Hilduh and pretending that Uno isn't free on the xxxbox. By the way I'm Marianne, the sad girl in the original Golden Deer, but I learned to mellow out once Dimitri gave me some weed.

Dimitri: I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY MY NAME! I AIN'T GOIN' BACK TO JAIL B****!

Byleth: I'm an emotionless dj and people really don't like my low level of enthusiasm when it comes to being a disc jockey. I also love Lysithea.

Lysithea: Aw, Byleth. I love you too sweetheart.

Claudio: I do believe that's everyone.

Cyril: Hey guys my name is Cyril, I really love-

Everyone in unison: Shut up Cyril, nobody cares!

Cyril slunk back into the shadows quietly sobbing into his McDonald's kiddie meal.

Claudio: I hope you all remembered that information. This is a comedic s***post series and we'd really love to give you a look into our everyday lives here. By the way I was sponsored to say that. Once again, we are The Bronze Deer and this is our first episode. Now let's go prank Raphael since he skipped out on the introductions.

Hilduh: Hey Claudio, why is there a script being typed out as we speak above our heads?

Claudio: Don't worry about it. Pay it no attention and I'm sure you'll forget about it soon enough. In fact, you must be seeing things. There is no script.

Hilduh: Claudio, I know you're up to something.

Claudio: Moving on! Let's go prank Raphael, it will be fun.

The Bronze Deer headed out to walk into Raphael's room, and Claudio had the rest of them wait in the doorway since Raphael seemed to be asleep. Claudio got a great idea and pulled out his EyeFone Ten. He pulled up YouNoob and typed Jellyfish Jam Bass Boosted Earrape 10 Hours and hid underneath Raphael's bed, waiting to press the play button. Claudio turned on redtooth and signaled BigNutz to grab Raphael's redtooth speaker and hand it to him. Claudio asked BigNutz to pocket his EyeFone Ten as he handed the phone over and made his way back to the door-frame, careful not to step on his big nutz. Claudio leaned back against the side of the wall, put some noise cancelling headphones on, along with earplugs and told BigNutz to play it at full volume. 

The chaos that followed was almost impossible to narrate with how fast the action unfolded.

Raphael: EEEEERGHHH WHUT THE F***! IT HURTS!! CLOUDIO YOU STUPID SON OF UH, WHERE R YOU HIDING!!!

Raphael dove for his headphones and threw them on his head, and then slipped and fell face first onto the floor, where he saw Claudio under the bed grinning and laughing like a madman. Claudio stopped laughing when he noticed Raphael had spotted him and he couldn't escape from under the bed.

Raphael: WHERE IS IT CLOUDIO!!!

Claudio: Here you go Raph, have fun trying to find my phone though.

Raphael fell for the taunt, completely forgetting there was a switch on his redtooth that turned the power off and glared at the rest of The Bronze Deer howling and wheezing in the doorway.

Leonie: Don't look at us, we don't have anything.

Mari Janne: Yeah, Claudio just told us to watch him prank you.

BigNutz: Lorenz has it.

Raphael glared down at Lorenz, curling his right hand into a fist and hitting his left palm with it, ready to beat up Lorenz.

Lorenz: Don't lie you little s***! My father will here about this if you don't stop. Raphael, BigNutz has it, trust me you big oaf!

Raphael turned his anger towards BigNutz.

Raphael: I don't normally listen or uh-gree with Lorenz since I h-eh-te him so much, but if I know Cloudio, he wouldn't give it to Lorenz since he's obvious b-8. Cough it up or tell the truth if you don't wish for me to stomp your enormous nutz!

BigNutz: Okay, okay! I'll turn off and disconnect Claudio from your redtooth speaker. Although you could have just turned off the speaker.

Raphael: Grr!!!!! Shut it. I knew I could.

Claudio: Well we're going to play some Uno so we thought we'd bring you along Raphael. To make up for it, I'll let you play in the first game guaranteed.

Lorenz: Why Uno Claudio?! You KNOW I never win that stupid game. I've lost 887 times out of 887. It's a rigged game.

Claudio: We have to entertain the readers so we have to play something fun. Come on, let's return to the living room where we started.

They all walked into the living room, Raphael still grumbling about the prank.

Claudio: Cyril, turn on the xxxbox.

Claudio sat down on the couch along with BigNutz, Lorenz and Raphael. The rest pulled up chairs and watched.

Cyril: You're all closer to the xxxbox than I am.

Claudio: No complaining. I don't pay you for that.

Cyril: I don't get paid at all.

Cyril turned the xxxbox on and turned to face Claudio.

Cyril: Claudio, since I turned on the xxxbox, can I at least choose the game? I want to play Fortnut sQUAAAADs with you.

Claudio: There's some dust that needs sweeping and a corner missing it's pal Cyril.

Hilduh: Huh. Whadda ya know. Even in an AU fanfic Cyril can't escape being a bench-warmer.

Byleth: HA! I'm emotionless but even I found that funny.

Cyril returned to his dark corner sobbing and Claudio booted up Uno.

Claudio: Alright readers and viewers. BigNutz, Lorenz, Raphael and the magnificent Claudio are going to play Uno for your entertainment. Watch us gang up on Lorenz and make sure he doesn't win again.

Lorenz: Shut up Claudio, I'll beat you this time, filthy cheater.

Claudio: Tough talk for the guy all on his own.

BigNutz: We're gonna beat you harder than you beat Cyril whenever you get pissed hahahaha.

Lorenz: Shut your commoner trap loser. You commoners are such filthy liars. I'll prove you wrong right now. Start the match Claudio!

Claudio pressed the start button and the round began. The first card up was a +2 to Raphael, who shouted giddily and happily accepted his two cards despite having another +2 in his deck.  
Claudio looked at his hand and was greeted by the usual sight, all reverse cards. A few rounds went by and Lorenz, BigNutz and Claudio all were down to four cards while Raphael kept drawing up to a total of 12 cards.

Claudio: Don't you have any colour at all Raph? What are you doing?

Raphael: I'm collecting cards. First to thirty cards wins, right?

BigNutz: Ahahaha Claudio. He actually believed Leonie when she told him her 'secret way to win the game' last time she played.

Claudio: Oh my lord Raphael. Yes, that's 'totally' the way to secretly win. BigNutz, Lorenz and I are just trying to win the traditional way.

Raphael: Well I'm gonna win this time!

Leonie: Wait Raph! According to this text on the top of our heads, you're using the letter a again.

Raphael: It's too difficult to speak without it. Pronouncing things is hard, so I decided to not believe in the word 'turmoil'.

Leonie: WHAT THE FREAK?!? Ugh. You're hopeless Raph.

A few more turns in the game passed by and BigNutz heard Lorenz giggling.

BigNutz: What are you laughing for?

Lorenz: This is why.

Lorenz laid a card down and the game shouted Uno!

Lorenz: UNO B****ES!! F*** YEAH!!!

Claudio: Stop him BigNutz! You're the only one who can. 

Claudio picked up since all he had in his hand were reverse cards.

BigNutz: Don't worry, I got him right where I want him.

Raphael picked up a card again and both Byleth and Lysithea stood up, Lysithea giggling while Byleth massaged her shoulders.

Byleth: Lysithea and I will be going to my room now. Try not to disturb us.

Mari Janne: Can you f***ers not be so loud this time? Claudio and Hilduh always go at it loudly and not even my weed can save me from the pain of being trapped between two love crazed couples.

Lysithea: No promises. Sometimes the time is just right. Besides, you can't kill me. I somehow come back every time. We all do.

Cyril: But Lysithea, I wanted to hang out with you.

Lysithea: Sorry Cyril. Why don't you go support with me on Fire Emblem Zeroes? Oh wait! You're not in that game!

Hilduh: BURN BABY BURN! That roast was hotter than Gronder field after Edelgard set the ballista platform on fire in the other reality.

Byleth high-fived Lysithea and the two of them walked away. Cyril was about to sob some more but he realized he didn't have any more McDonald's. For some reason, Cyril could only cry when he ate a kids meal. Maybe because he felt like an embarrassment.

BigNutz: HAHA! I've got a card that will make you have to pick up. Eat s*** Lorenz!

BigNutz slapped a card down in the game that read "Relinquish your title of nobility or pick up 25 cards."

Lorenz: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Lorenz picked up the cards and sulked angrily. Even though Claudio only had three cards, since all his cards were reverse cards, every time he switched the direction back to Raphael, Lorenz hit him with +2 or +4 change colour cards and this made the match draw out long enough for Lorenz to come back down to two cards. Claude picked up since his sixteen cards were all reverse cards, and so did Raphael, who was sitting at twenty-eight cards. BigNutz prayed for a miracle and picked up since he couldn't do anything else, but sadly he couldn't go. With nothing else to do, Lorenz started shouting at the top of his lungs like a maniac.

Lorenz: F*** YEAH!!! I DID IT!!! FINALLY, I WON!!! IN YOUR FACE NOOBS AND COMMONERS!!! FINALLY SOMETHING POSITIVE TO TELL MY DAD ABOUT!!!

Claudio nodded at Hilduh, signaling her to unplug the xxxbox 360 while Lorenz was caught up in yelling out his victory speech. Hilduh moved towards the xxxbox, rummaged around where the cords were and was just about to unplug it when Lorenz noticed what was going on.

Lorenz: HILDUH DON'T!!! I SWEAR TO F***ING SOTHIS HILDUH!!! DON'T YOU F***ING DARE DO IT!!!

Lorenz played his card as fast as he could but before the 'You Win' screen could pop up, Hilduh unplugged the xxxbox and the screen went dark.

Lorenz: WHAT THE F*****************! NOOOOOOO!!! SOTHIS DAMNIT!!!

Lorenz whipped out a pistol and dook dook dooked the TV, leaving three bullet holes in the screen. The TV started to smoke and the wiring started to spark a bit. Then Lorenz ran up to Cyril and open palm slapped him twice across the cheek. Cyril dropped his pop from McDonald's all over the floor and and felt his face.

Cyril: OWOWOWOWOWOWOUCH!!!

Claudio: HEY! THAT'S ENOUGH!!! Don't slap the orphan!

Cyril: Thanks Clau-

Mari Janne: Without inviting us to slap him too!

Cyril: ohno -__-

Everyone else besides Byleth and Lysithea who were busy getting their freak on and Lorenz who was still fuming ran to the kitchen and grabbed some frozen tuna fish from Dimitri's cooler that he left there a day ago and lined up to smack Cyril with their tuna fish and eventually from all their hard work moving their forearms when slapping Cyril, they passed out. Even Mari Janne, who normally needed to 420blaze it to fall asleep.

Cyril eventually got up off the floor and pulled out his phone to use the camera app and see how swollen his face was. Turns out, if there was an award for face that looked most like a chestnut shell, he would most definitely have won it. Cyril was about to turn off the phone when he remembered what Lysithea said to him.

Lysithea (past flashback): Why don't you support with me in Fire Emblem Zeroes? Oh wait! You're not in that game!

Cyril: That's right! I know exactly how to get them back! Fire Emblem Zeroes!

Cyril booted up the app, and the loading screen yelled "FIRE!..." at 300% the normal volume. The intro never really sounded completed, but the game was out for three years now so Cyril assumed it would have been fixed by now. Nevertheless, Cyril pushed the button. First he found his Lorenz, equipped him with an iron lance, took off all his slot skills and seal, and did the same for Claudio, Raphael and BigNutz. He equipped their weakest weapons and removed all the skills and seals. He then put them in a team and shuffled the arena mode until he saw a duo Hector.

Cyril: Perfect. Now all I have to do is suicide them into this duo Hector, reset the match with the hack Claudio installed on all of our phones and do it all over again. 

Cyril ran into the corner again, faked being knocked out and spammed their deaths over and over again. The funny thing about the end screen that tells you you lost was that the music would play sad-airhorn-sound-effect-free.wav, which always gave Cyril the chuckles. One by one the four of them in front of Cyril all glitched a bit and buzzed, fading out and then back into reality. The four of them clutched their stomachs in agony, but it only lasted a few seconds before they'd come back, so Cyril had to time it correctly, and he did. There was almost no window where they stayed with a grounded and present body, most of it was them feeling an axe in the gut over and over.

Claudio: Ah! Sothis Damnit! Who's doing this.

Lorenz: I bet it's that brat Cyril!

Raphael: Cyril you little s***! I see you there! When I catch you there, uewewehe, you're dead meat.

BigNutz: Ohohohohoho the pain! It hurts so badly. Why did my gigantic, bouncy, beautiful, uncontestedly large nutz have to be so huge! Ohohoho the pain!!

All four of them began to slowly stand up despite the pain and Cyril began to worry.

Cyril: How are you standing up?! You shouldn't be able to bear the pain!

Byleth and Lysithea entered the room, wondering what all the ruckus was about. 

Lysithea: Hey guys! Good thing you didn't come knocking by our door the last four hours eh?

Lysithea took a look around at the situation and the state of chaos the room was in.

Lysithea: Wait, what the f*** is going on?!

Cyril: I'm giving them payback Lysithea. Wanna go out after this?

Lysithea: Ew! Who'd want to go out with a broke-a**, no job having, plain jane clothes wearing, can't read a book head a**, where's my Lady Rhea frickin', thumb suckin', baby pansy like yourself?

Cyril got up, withholding his tears and started to run away from Lysithea, sucking his thumb, but he hit an invisible wall where the entrance-way should have been and fell to the ground, knocked unconscious.

A sign above Cyril flashed along with a sound effect that said "Fatality". Nobody knew where it came from, but it was fitting, and all who were awake knew there was a more pressing matter at hand here.

Claudio, BigNutz, Raphael and Lorenz finally let go of their stomachs, able to breathe after being K.O.'d multiple times from the death-fest they just endured. Claudio pried the phone out of Cyril's hands, turned off Fire Emblem Zeroes and pocketed the phone away.

BigNutz: Now, what was that thing Cyril just bumped into Claudio?

Claudio: I don't know. Maybe he's just that stupid.

Mari Janne sat up and stretched her arms up to the sky.

Mari Janne: Are you referring to the place where I heard a voice coming from earlier? 

Caludio: You heard a voice from this weird invisible wall earlier? Why didn't you say anything?

Mari Janne: I did! Just watch this flashback.

Lorenz (past flashback): Did... Did I just get censored? WHAT THE F***! When did this happen? WHO DID THIS! COME OUT HERE SO I CAN BEAT YOU WITH MY MONEY BAGS!

Minerva Featherflight (past flashback): I'm just going to stay behind this booth here, perfectly safe.

Mari Janne (past flashback): Yo, who's that?

Lorenz (past flashback): F*** THIS S***! My FATHER will hear about this.

Claudio: Wow, so you really did say something.

Claudio looked up at the text above Mari Janne's head and stared at a name he hadn't recognized before.

Claudio: Who's Minerva Featherflight?

A voice coming from the direction of the invisible wall spoke back.

Minerva Featherflight: I'm the author of this written series. You're going to be uploaded relatively soon. I'm just looking for a cut-off point.

BigNutz: Does that mean you're the one writing this text on top of our heads?

Minerva Featherflight: Yep, that would be me. Punch it, it's attached to you so if you punch it, you'll punch yourself too.

Raphael: I'll bet five dollars it doesn't hurt me.

Raphael punched his text box and doubled over on the floor.

Minerva Featherflight: Alrighty! Everyone heard it from him, that guy owes me five dollars! Now it's time for me to wrap this up.

Claudio: Hold on, there's a lot we need to know. Why are you here, and what's up with this invisible wall.

Lorenz: Yeah, my stash of mountain dew and doritos are back there.

Minerva Featherflight: Too bad Gloucester boy, the premiere episode is ending now. I don't know how else to end it, so say goodbye.

Lorenz: Good... Bye?

Minerva Featherflight: Perfect. Good bye folks. Next time (if there is one), you'll be going to McDonald's to free Seteth and Flayn with a bunch of other things to do. Pat yourselves on the back or something. You did good for a stoner level s***post comedic parody. Bye viewers!

Link to a Bysithea discord I run with many other AO3 Bysithea writers, artists and fans: https://discord.gg/8ZjK5zk

We're dedicated to our ship and we want to share our home and creativity with everyone here as well. With writers like myself, SuperbOwl, Kenji1104 and Hazeel and artists like dannex009, we offer a lot of conversation about the ship, the behind the scenes prompts, funny dialogue and even teasers to what is to come in our stories. Drop by and chat with us some time, just tell the others you discovered the server through me. (I'm kidding about that last part). <3


	2. Episode 2: Please Fall Into My Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of the first episode, Claudio and the gang follow up on the info they got from Minerva Featherflight and track down Seteth and Flayn, the only problem is, there are multiple McDonald's restaurants. More fourth wall breaks, stupid jokes and of course, more memes. Enjoy this next chapter.

The Bronze Deer - Episode Two: Please Fall Into My Trap!

\- Sincerely, The Enemy.

Claudio: That's a weird title. Eh, I'm sure it's nothing.

Leonie: Claudio, this letter was addressed to you and the professor.

Claudio: Lemme take a peek at it.

Claudio opened up the letter and in it contained words that were really hard to read and looked to be written with a purple crayon.

Claudio: Huh. Whoever wrote this looks to be a child. I wonder who it could be from.

Claudio scanned through the letter and couldn't figure out who could have wrote it, despite there being three words in the top right corner that read 'from Not Cethleann.'

Claudio: Nope, can't tell who wrote this.

Suddenly, Flayn popped out of the letter with an angry look on her face. She was carrying a spoon, which she used to bonk Claudio on the top of his head.

Flayn: YOU STUPID FOOLIO! IT'S FROM ME!!! RAAAAAAGEEEEE!!!!

Claudio: Ouch! That friggin hurt lady!

Claudio took a few seconds to pause and stare at the name Not Cethleann.

Claudio: That's you? Okay. Jump out of the letter and let me read it then.

Flayn jumped out of the letter and stood beside Claudio as he read it out. The rest of the group came over to listen, including Cyril, but nobody noticed him.

Claudio: i haav sum things tew ask of yu. seteth anne dye are trapped within the mc donald duck playplace. Pls send nudes… i mean send help. - Not Cethleann.

Claudio: You need help?

Flayn: Yup. We're trapped there with no way out. HARDCOOOORE!!

Claudio: Look man, I'm dumb as bricks but didn't you climb through the letter you sent me?

Flayn: I did.

Claudio: Then why didn't you just tell Seteth to do the same?

Flayn: I dunno. EXTREEEEEEME!

Lysithea: Why do you keep yelling random words after every one of your sentences?

Flayn: Because I'm actually a wrestler on the purest of heroine and it feels good. PILE DRIVE!!!

Lysithea: … *brain malfunctioning* …

Claudio: So all we have to do is get your brother out of the play-place, right?

Flayn: Correction. My brother and I.

Claudio: What? You're already out though.

Flayn: Sorry Claudio daddy-o. The law of content dictates I should go back to the play-place or else this would be a pointless episode. I'm just gonna jump back through. Excuse me, pardon me. Coming through. Got a letter to teleport through.

The group watched as Flayn tried to fit herself back through the letter. She seemed to be having problems fitting inside.

Flayn: Wow, it looks like I've put on some weight. I swear this didn't happen last time when we tested it.

Leonie: You tested this before??

Flayn: Ahahaha sorry folks. Anywho, gotta blast!

With that final sentence, Flayn disappeared into the letter and back to the play-place.

BigNutz: WAIT! You didn't tell us which McDonald's!

Ghost of Not Cethleann: Fiiguure it oouut yoouurseeeeelves.

Hilduh: Okay guys, looks like we've got some exploring to do.

Claudio: This might take a while so you know what to do everybody.

Mari Janne: Give all our combat weapons to Byleth so he can store them in his bulls*** convoy?

Lorenz: UGH! Not this s*** again! Last time my silver lance had a nasty surprise on the end of it when I got it back.

Leonie: You complaining about free food Lorenz? From Jeralt's bloodline?! Should have just given it to me.

Lorenz: Yuck! Commoners are TRULY disgusting.

The group filed in line each handing their weapons to Byleth, who, one by one shoved the weapons up his a** until the storage hit max capacity.

Byleth: Storage is at max guys, no more junk in the convoy.

Raphael: But my spiky gauntlets!

Byleth: Sorry Raph, if you want your spiky gauntlets in the convoy, BigNutz is going to have to toss all the mean jokes about Cyril to make room. It is taking up 80 different slots of the convoy after all.

BigNutz: Fiiiiine. You can clear them out.

Byleth cleared the 80 pages of nasty insults and roasts about Cyril from his a** and piled them on Cyril.

Byleth: Here you go Cyril, Happy Birthday.

Cyril looked at Byleth with bright eyes and a 'you actually like me' smile that obviously was written to set him up for failure, as you'll see right now.

Cyril: You actually remembered my birthday?

Byleth: No, everyday I say happy birthday to you so I can at least pretend like I care for one of the days each year.

Cyril: Aw… that hurts…

One of the pages fell out of Cyril's lap and Lorenz picked it up out of curiosity. He un-crumpled it and it read "Cyril, you smell like trash and now you smell like s*** too."

Lorenz: HA! The irony in this one aged well! Nice one BigNutz!

The two of them fist-bumped and then air-guitared because it was a trademark of being cool in Fodlan and then Claudio turned to everyone.

Claudio: Alright, everybody but Cyril is coming on this adventure to search McDonald's after McDonald's to find Flayn and Seteth.

Everyone: Hooray!

Cyril: The punches don't stop coming.

Everyone: And they don't stop coming, and they don't stop coming, and they don't stop coming, and they don't stop coming, and they don't stop coming, and they don't stop coming, and they don't stop coming!

Cyril curled up in his dark corner of obscurity like a dog without shelter in the wind and held his head down while the rest of the group were busy not caring enough to notice him. The members of The Bronze Deer opened up the door to the outside world and set off on an adventure.

Mari Janne: So what do we do now? I'm mellowed out and just feel like doing something fun.

Raphael: I've got an idea! Let's roast Cyril again.

Leonie: That's fine with me.

Claudio: I spy with my little eye… Nothing.

Lorenz: Obviously Claudio, Cyril isn't on this trip with us.

Claudio: Sure he is, I'm staring at nothing, so it must be his existence.

Lysithea: Nah fam, that joke was DEAD! Let me show you how it's done.

Lysithea told Leonie to rapid fire some questions at her, to which she agreed.

Leonie: What's a word you use to describe a burning feeling?

Lysithea: SEAR!

Leonie: When you think about Cyril, how do you feel?

Lysithea: ILL!

Leonie: How would you describe the feeling of loneliness?

Lysithea: SUCKS!

Leonie: Give me a noun describing Raphael.

Lysithea: FAT!

Raphael: Hey! Not cool! No fat shaming.

Leonie: Describe the people that experimented on you in one word.

Lysithea: D**KS!

Lysithea told Leonie to stop asking questions and turned back towards the others.

Lysithea: Recall each answer I gave and you'll get your roast.

It took the others a few seconds of reciting the words Lysithea spoke out loud before BigNutz pieced it together and they all started laughing.

BigNutz: Damn Lysithea, you're clever. So there are fun ways to use smarts.

Lysithea: That's not all. Let's go again, but let's let someone else ask some questions now.

Hilduh: My turn! My turn!

Before Hilduh had a chance to ask her question, Claudio and the gang arrived at their first McDonald's.

Claudio: Hold on gang, we've got a McDonald's to check now. Let's head inside and…

Claudio stopped talking when the letter he had brought with him shouted at him.

Flayn: WE'RE NOT HERE YOU DOLT! Check a different one. NO PAIN, NO GAIIIIIIN!!!

Claudio: Well that was easy. Hey Flayn, can you do that for us all the time?

Flayn: Nope. That right there was your one freezie. I mean freebie. THE PEOPLE'S ELBOOOW!!! See ya.

Flayn jumped back into the book and everyone but Lysithea turned around and began walking away from the McDonald's until she yelled out "Wait here for a moment. I've got to grab something while we are here."

Five minutes passed by and Lysithea came back to the group carrying a McDonald's kids meal and pop, but when Hilduh asked who it was for, she refused to tell them anything and simply replied "Wait and see."

The others simply shrugged or talked amongst themselves for a few minutes when Leonie shouted.

Leonie: Oh s***! Raskolov hasn't gotten back to me for the weed yet.

Mari Janne: How did you forget that?! I NEED it! I CRAVE IT!

Leonie: Let me text him now on my SamSung ALoveSong 10.

Leonie quickly texted Raskolov and within three seconds Dimitri popped out of the phone carrying three bags of weed.

Dimitri: Here's your bags, now pay up.

Raphael: How'd you go through the phone?

Dimitri: Plot purposes. Now Leonie, pay up.

Leonie placed 18 marbles in Dimitri's hand and grabbed her three bags of weed. Meanwhile, Dimitri rubbed the marbles all over his body, feeling them slide all around his chest and legs, giggling gleefully.

Mari Janne: Raskolov what are you doing?

Dimitri: *Ahem* Nothing. I'll be going now, Ghost Lambert is talking to me again so I've got to medicate and blaze it up so he'll shut up.

Ghost Lambert: …. … . …… .. … ..

Dimitri: Shuddah fuggup Dad, you're not the boss of me anymore.

Ghost Lambert: .. ….. .. … ……. …. … . …… ….

Dimitri: No dad, I don't want to buy ice cream. I'm not a little boy! Geez.

Dimitri jumped back through Leonie's SamSung ALoveSong 10 taking Ghost Lambert with him. Leonie, Lorenz, Mari Janne, Claudio and Ignatz all started to blaze while Lysithea and Hilduh were talking to each other.

Hilduh: So Lysithea, how does Byleth treat you?

Lysithea: Like a true queen. He tells me he loves me all the time, especially when we go at it all night.

Hilduh: ALL NIGHT?! Claudio only lasts four hours with me.

Lysithea: Well Byleth never seems to stop. I guess that's what I should have expected from the one nicknamed The Ashen Demon. Demon stamina.

Hilduh: The Semen Demon that is. Haha. That was clever me, way to go me. HilDUHHHH! HilDUHHHH!

Lysithea: … *facepalms in bad joke* ...

The two girls noticed that everyone else had finished medicating and they jogged along the path to catch up with them. The road they walked was long. Thirty five minutes long, and they stopped for a minute. Not to catch their breath though, but because Claudio read out a sign that said "National Claudio Day, all Claudio's get a free pencil case full of moldy sushi."

Claudio: Okay, you wait here guys, I'm going to talk to that man that's dressed in a generic rogue cosplay about my name.

Claudio walked over to the guy who clearly wasn't a bandit and told him his name. The not bandit gestured over to a hole with a ladder leading into it and they climbed down the ladder together.

Claudio: So what's your name good sir?

Totally not a bandit that's up to no good: Read my name above your text box.

Claudio: Huh, Totally not a bandit that's up to no good eh? That sounds like the name of an honest man. Thanks for the sushi.

Totally not a bandit that's up to no good: Speaking of sushi, it's just past this door here in the cave.

The two had climbed down the ladder and now walked through the door, only to find there was no sushi at all. Totally not a bandit that's up to no good closed and locked the door behind him and whipped out a spoon aggressively.

Claudio: Hey, you out of stock or something? I didn't know there were this many Claudio's in town today. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever heard of National Claudio Day before but maybe I oughta make it. Yeah, I think I've got an-

Totally not a bandit that's up to no good: I'M GONNA SPOON YOU!!

Claudio: That sounds kinda sus bro.

Claudio turned around to look at Totally not a bandit that's up to no good but when he did he got whacked on the top of his head.

Claudio: WHY DOES EVERYONE USE SPOONS?!?!

Claudio dropped to the ground, unconscious. Totally not a bandit that's up to no good swiped Claudio's EyeFone 10 and identification and ran off like the bandit he totally wasn't. The others got worried since the two of them hadn't come back up in a few minutes and made their way over to the hole calling out Claudio's name, only to receive no answer. BigNutz looked at the sign and realized it said "Please fall into my trap."

BigNutz: Sothis dammit Claudio, learn to take a hint. Why did they ever call you 'The Master Tactician' in Three Houses?

The gang jumped into the pit, completely ignoring the ladder and ran up to the door slamming into it but it wouldn't budge.

Mari Janne: It's locked guys.

Lorenz: EVERYONE STAY BACK!

Lorenz whipped out his pistol so fast you would have thought he saw Cyril and fired away a few rounds into the lock, making a dook dook dook sound. Lorenz proceeded to kick in the door and found Claudio unconscious on the ground.

BigNutz: Oh Sothis Claudio, is he okay?

The gang hauled him out of the pit and took care of him until he woke up, which took about ten minutes.

Claudio: Yikerooni pasta! My head hurts a bit.

Hilduh: Are you okay sweet Claudio?! There's a spoon shaped dent in your head.

Claudio: Yeah, I'm fine. I love you Hilduh.

Hilduh: I love you too.

Hilda started climbing on top of Claudio and smooching his face repeatedly.

Mari Janne: No Sothis dammit, NO! We are NOT doing this here! I refuse to listen to you two go at it ANY MORE!

Hilduh climbed off of Claudio and sighed.

Hilduh: Yeah, I guess you're right. We've still got to go rescue Seteth and Flayn.

BigNutz: It would seem your identification was taken Claudio.

Claudio: Eh, whatever. Nobody could impersonate or look like me, I'm too fabulous for everyone else.

BigNutz: They got your phone too.

Claudio: F***! F***f***f***f***f***f***f***!!!!! How am I going to collect the daily login for Fire Emblem Zeroes now?! Ugh, curse that Totally not a bandit that's up to no good for stealing my phone. I'll crush him, I'll destroy him! I'll feed him a whole belt of grenades!!! Waaaaaaaah wug wug waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!

Claudio ugly cried on the ground and it took forever to get him to stop sobbing and get him back on track. A few moments later they ran across another McDonald's restaurant and this time Lorenz spotted Flayn and Seteth waving at them.

Lorenz: They're really in the play-place! Look, it's Seteth and Flayn!

The group busted into the McDonald's and ran straight for the entrance to the play-place but they saw two guys in front of them who seemed to want to keep them there.

Leonie: Move scum. Out of our way!

There was one guy blocking the entrance wearing purple rogue like robes and some black coloured leather cowboy boots holding an assassin model pose and a generic looking thief behind the door holding it shut like a fifth-grader would if he was locking his friends out of the room laughing at Claudio and the gang.

Generic looking thief we'll call Eddie: Hee hee hee! Nobody is allowed to pass until they guess the password. Hee hee hee!

Lorenz: Can I just kill this guy already and rescue Seteth and Flayn? I'm tired of his s*** already!

Guy with purple robes: No. You must go through me, RRRRRicarrrrrdo!

Claudio: What's up with the way you say your name?

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: What's wrong with RRRRRicarrrrrdo?

Claudio: Everything.

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: It's not that hard, you just roll the r's with your tongue. Try it out.

Claudio: No. You're name is Ricardo, stop making it weird.

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: It's RRRRRicarrrrrdo, I told you. Try it out, it feels good.

Claudio: RRRikkaardo.

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: No, try again.

Claudio: RRRRRicarrrrdo?

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: You missed one r the second time.

Claudio: Rich Car Doe?

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: No. Come on. You're further off now.

Claudio: Anthony?

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: Stop that! You're just trolling now!

Claudio: Vroom Vroom?

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: Shut up!

Claudio: Motor oil! I got it this time!

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: UGH! Stop mocking my name!

Claudio: Big fat dongs! I KNOW I nailed it now.

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: F*** YOU! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!

RRRRRicarrrrrdo whipped out a spoon and threw it at Claudio, who dodged it just in time.

Claudio: CAN WE STOP USING F***ING SPOONS?! SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE F***!!!

RRRRRicarrrrrdo put away his other spoon and cracked his knuckles together.

Claudio: Alright, if you aren't moving-

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: You insulted and disgraced my name RRRRRicarrrrrdo. The name given to me as the seventh in my line of forefathers to bear it. I will not move.

Claudio: -then we're fighting.

Claudio paused as RRRRRicarrrrrdo started taking off his robes and putting on one of those fedoras that were rare and all the rave right now in Fodlan.

Claudio: Dance fighting that is.

Claudio pointed to a random McDonald's employee to play Smooth Criminal, unbuttoned the top two buttons on his shirt and asked Byleth to toss him a rose from his bulls*** a** convoy. Claudio caught the rose Byleth threw to him and placed it in his teeth and the two of them strutted towards the middle of the stage that a few employees had cleared out.

BigNutz: Let the dance battle BEGIN!

Smooth Criminal started playing and the two started dancing. Claudio was clapping over top of his head and hip bumping his way over to RRRRRicarrrrrdo winking at him, tilting his head to the side with the rose between the teeth. RRRRRicarrrrrdo grabbed a random woman and started doing the salsa while sneering at Claudio. 

One minute into the song BigNutz called for a style switch and the two started to throw some erratic moves in a faster tempo of dance fighting. Claudio bent over his right leg and slowly slid himself back up while gesturing that he had picked up an imaginary knife from his side holster and started snapping and RRRRRicarrrrrdo began popping out his jacket and puffing out his chest. The two of them advanced towards each other and then swung violently and swiftly at each other with their invisible knives, mirroring each other's movements and walking in a circle.

Another minute passed and BigNutz yelled out "FOOTLOOSE!" The two switched up and recited the first dance scene in the building from the movie Footloose where Kevin Bacon ran all throughout the abandoned building and up to the roof. (Don't ask how we Fodlaners know about Footloose, it's a glorious movie that transcends time and space. - Byleth). The song came to a close and BigNutz yelled out again.

BigNutz: OVERTIME! Dance Battle! You're up RRRRRicarrrrrdo!

RRRRRicarrrrrdo began to dance some contemporary pop, his moves extra flashy. They matched the beat and he did a great job with the muscle pushing. He almost had a flawless performance. Everything flowed so smoothly and before you know it BigNutz called out "Time." RRRRRicarrrrrdo's minute was up and he moved back to the side to give Claudio the room he needed.

BigNutz: Claudio, you're up! Show us your moves!

Claudio started off doing the Irish jig and had incorporated some fancy footwork, but half way through his time he seamlessly transitioned into fast tap dancing. He clicked his feet really quickly against both himself and the floor and then sped it up again before the end leaving people gawking at how fast he was moving. Claudio bowed before the minute ended and walked off the stage hi-fiving Hilduh.

Hilduh: You did phenominal sweetie. Best dancing boyfriend ever.

Lysithea: Byleth dances so well he makes me moan out of enjoyment. Caludio's got a long way to go.

Hilduh: AS IF! Claudio's the best I've ever laid my eyes on.

Byleth: Ladies please! If you want to argue with each other, perhaps we should dance it out some time else because right now is not the time.

BigNutz *AHEEEMMM!* I will now announce the winner of this dance battle. Drum roll please Lorenz.

Lorenz whipped out his pistol and sprayed the ceiling with bullets, creating a gunshot drum roll sound. 

Lorenz's favourite gat: DOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOKDOOK!

BigNutz: AND THE WINNER IS… CLAUDIO!!!

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: Aw man, this is rigged, I swear!

BigNutz: No sir it isn't, if you're unhappy with the results and you want to take it up with me you can smooch my ginormous bulging big nutz!

RRRRRicarrrrrdo: Ugh! You think you're hot s*** Claudio? I'll beat you next time for sure!

RRRRRicarrrrrdo grabbed his robes off the floor and walked out with his hands in his pants pockets and a pouting look on his face.

Everyone including the employees: Nice job Claudio!

Lorenz: Now let's go save Seteth and Flayn!

The group bolted towards the door but the second guy walked through and blocked it.

Generic looking thief we'll call Eddie: Now it's my turn to dance fight this 'Claudio.'

Lorenz: F*** YOU, THIS EPISODE'S GONE ON LONG ENOUGH!

Lorenz whipped his favourite pistol out again and fired a cap into his dome. Generic looking thief we'll call Eddie collapsed onto the ground and the group rushed into the play-place and greeted Seteth and Flayn. They caught up with the two and chatted for a bit before they got to the real stuff.

Claudio: So why couldn't you teleport Seteth out with you this whole time?

Flayn: I told you, plot reasons. MONSTROUS LEAP!!!

Raphael: How did you get locked in here?

Seteth: We weren't locked in here, Flayn just said she had an idea and asked me to follow whatever she said. She told me it would be fun.

Flayn: Ehehehehe! It was fun!

Lysithea: So what do we get in return then? We did this foolish quest of yours and we get nothing? It wasn't fun for us, just exhausting. The only thing I found out today is that Claudio is a great dancer, I could have learned more by reading a book indoors.

Seteth: Speaking of books, Flayn wanted me to give you four gifts. Well it's technically three since a quill and ink are needed together to write, but we got you a book called 'Claudio's guide to beat cool games bruh', a quill and ink, and this spoon here.

Claudio: NO! NO MORE F***ING SPOONS! I'M BANNING THE WORD SPOON FROM FUTURE RELEASES OF THE BRONZE DEER SERIES!!!

Seteth: I do believe we can go home now. If everyone could line up and jump inside the book Claudio's guide to beat cool games bruh when Flayn does her magic we should be good to go.

Mari Janne: Wait! NOW it's convenient for us?!

Leonie: Just give it a rest Mari Janne, I've given up on questioning everything at this point, it doesn't give us any answers.

Mari Janne: Fine. Let's just go home.

Flayn: Okay! On three, jump into the book. One, two, three!

Everyone jumped into the book one by one and they all popped back up in their dorm. Cyril still sat in the corner with his eyes closed, seemingly asleep and got startled by the loud warp noises as they all popped back.

Seteth: Alright, that's everyone. Here are your gifts. Me and Flayn will be on our way out again. We're going to get some McDonald's.

Lorenz: You better not get fake trapped again!

Seteth: Who knows, maybe we will, maybe we won't.

Seteth and Flayn walked out the door and left the group looking at their gifts.

Claudio: I'm not using this This book is something I already published, anyone need a quill and ink?

Everyone shook their heads no.

Claudio: Then I know what to do with them. Let's give them to Cyril for his birthday present.

Raphael: I don't like how you're being nice to Cyril.

Claudio: You'll see.

Claudio, BigNutz, Lorenz, Mari Janne, Lysithea and Byleth all walked up to Cyril, who looked really happy that he was getting birthday presents.

Cyril: You guys! I take back everything I thought about you. You're the best!

Claudio whipped his book at Cyril's head. It bounced off and Cyril looked at it on the ground.

Cyril: I can't read.

Claudio: That sounds like a you problem.

BigNutz placed the quill and ink at Cyril's feet. He would have thrown it but it would have broken and ruined his joke.

Cyril: I can't write either.

BigNutz: I know. Use it to circle the words you can't read. You'll never have nothing to do again.

Byleth pulled a piece of paper out of his a** that he had kept for five years in the convoy.

Cyril felt hurt that he was being mocked again, but he told himself that he could take it. That was until Lysithea walked up to him.

Lysithea: Here's this McDonald's I got for you.

Cyril: What's this for? You finally like me now?

Lysithea: You know what it's for.

Flashayyy Flashback!

Narration: For some reason Cyril could only cry if he had some McDonald's to cry into. Probably because he felt like an embarrassment.

Flashayyy Flashforward!

Cyril looked down at his McDonald's and sobbed uncontrollably into it. The others walked away, not caring the slightest bit.

Claudio: Alright, that takes care of everything. Let's go to sleep.

Hilduh: Wait Claudio! There's something on the table here. A letter! It says "Kidnapper's letter" and the rest is some weird gibberish.

Claudio: Bring it here Hilduh, let me look at it.

Hilda brought the letter to Claudio and it read:

Kidnapper's letter

MDEwMDAwMTEwMTExMTAwMTAxMTEwMDEwMDExMDEwMDEwMTEwMTEwMDAwMTAwMDAwMDExMTAwMTEwMTExMDEwMTAxMTAwMDExMDExMDEwMTEwMTExMDAxMTAwMTAwMDAwMDExMDAwMTAwMTEwMDAwMTAxMTAxMTAwMDExMDExMDAwMTExMDAxMTAwMTAwMDAxMDAxMDAwMDAwMTAwMDAxMDAxMTAxMDAxMDExMDAxMTEwMDEwMDAwMDAxMTAwMTEwMDExMDAwMDEwMTExMDEwMDAwMTAwMDAwMDExMDEwMDAwMTEwMDAwMTAxMTAxMDAxMDExMTAwMTAwMTExMTAwMTAwMTAwMDAwMDExMDExMTAwMTExMDEwMTAxMTEwMTAwMDExMTAwMTEwMDEwMDAwMTAwMTAwMDAwMDEwMDEwMDEwMTEwMTExMDAwMTAwMDAwMDExMDAxMTAwMTEwMDAwMTAxMTAwMDExMDExMTAxMDAwMDEwMDAwMDAxMTAxMDAwMDExMDAxMDEwMDEwMDAwMDAxMTEwMDAwMDExMTAwMTAwMTEwMTExMTAxMTAwMDEwMDExMDAwMDEwMTEwMDAxMDAxMTAxMTAwMDExMTEwMDEwMDEwMDAwMDAxMTEwMDExMDExMTAxMDEwMTEwMDAxMTAxMTAxMDExMDExMTAwMTEwMDEwMDAwMDAxMDAwMDEwMDExMDEwMDEwMTEwMDExMTAxMDAxMTEwMDExMTAxMDEwMTExMDEwMDAxMTExMDEwMDAxMDAxMTEwMTExMDAxMTAwMTAwMDAwMDExMDAwMTAwMTEwMTAwMTAxMTAwMTExMDAxMDAwMDAwMTEwMTExMDAxMTEwMTAxMDExMTAxMDAwMTExMTAxMDAwMTAxMTEwMDAxMDAwMDAwMTAwMTAwMTAwMTAwMDAwMDExMDAxMDAwMTEwMTExMTAxMTAxMTEwMDAxMDAxMTEwMTExMDEwMDAwMTAwMDAwMDExMDEwMTEwMTEwMTExMDAxMTAxMTExMDExMTAxMTEwMDEwMDAwMDAxMTEwMTExMDExMDEwMDAwMTExMTAwMTAwMTAwMDAwMDEwMDEwMDEwMDEwMDAwMDAxMTAwMTAxMDExMDExMTAwMTEwMDAxMTAxMTEwMDEwMDExMTEwMDEwMTExMDAwMDAxMTEwMTAwMDExMDAxMDEwMTEwMDEwMDAwMTAwMDAwMDExMTAxMDAwMTEwMTAwMDAxMTAxMDAxMDExMTAwMTEwMDEwMDAwMDAxMTAwMDEwMDExMDAxMDEwMTEwMDAxMTAxMTAwMDAxMDExMTAxMDEwMTExMDAxMTAxMTAwMTAxMDAxMDAwMDAwMTEwMTAwMDAxMTAwMTAxMDAxMDAwMDAwMTEwMDAxMTAxMTAwMDAxMDExMDExMTAwMDEwMDExMTAxMTEwMTAwMDAxMDAwMDAwMTEwMDEwMTAxMTEwMTEwMDExMDAxMDEwMTEwMTExMDAwMTAwMDAwMDExMTAwMTAwMTEwMDEwMTAxMTAwMDAxMDExMDAxMDAwMDEwMTExMDAwMTAwMDAwMDEwMDAxMTEwMTEwMDEwMTAxMTEwMTAwMDAxMDAwMDAwMTExMDAxMDAxMTAwMTAxMDExMDEwMTEwMTExMDEwMDAwMTAwMDAwMDEwMDAwMTEwMTExMTAwMTAxMTEwMDEwMDExMDEwMDEwMTEwMTEwMDAwMTAxMTEwMDAxMDAwMDAwMDEwMTEwMTAwMTAwMDAwMDEwMDExMDAwMTEwMDAwMTAxMTAwMTAwMDExMTEwMDEwMDEwMDAwMDAxMDEwMDEwMDExMDEwMDAwMTEwMDEwMTAxMTAwMDAxMDAxMDExMTA=

Claudio: Weird. What the hell is that?

Minerva Featherflight: Wouldn't you like to know.

Claudio: Yes, I would.

Minerva Featherflight: You're gonna have to wait until the next episode. You heard Lorenz earlier, I agree that this episode has gone on way too long. If you want to find out what it says, you'll need to wait until episode three. Though I'm sure some smart people can figure it out before then if they try. ;) Raphael, see us off.

Raphael: Goodbye! Remember not to use the word 

The Bronze Deer - Episode Two: Please Fall Into My Trap! Fin.

Link to a Bysithea discord I run with many other AO3 Bysithea writers, artists and fans: https://discord.gg/8ZjK5zk

We're dedicated to our ship and we want to share our home and creativity with everyone here as well. With writers like myself, SuperbOwl, Kenji1104 and Hazeel and artists like dannex009, we offer a lot of conversation about the ship, the behind the scenes prompts, funny dialogue and even teasers to what is to come in our stories. Drop by and chat with us some time, just tell the others you discovered the server through me. (I'm kidding about that last part). <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure when the next chapter will be out, I'm working on three other fan-fiction projects as of writing this and publishing it. Yes, the code is solvable. I implore you to dig deep and piece it together. Thanks for reading folks and I hope you look forward to more.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this AU fanfic I thought would be hilarious to write, and definitely had a blast writing. This was the first fanfic I had ever wrote in this comedic style of writing, however I have practiced this style many times before, tracing back to when I was just a little kid. Stoner comedy is one of my specialties of writing, and definitely something I intend to write more, but it would be great to have you readers let me know what you thought of this pilot episode of The Bronze Deer. The script writing format is also something I attempted just to fit in with the comedic theme of fourth wall breaks and me calling this series episodes instead of chapters like a normal book or chapter series. I hope you, who read this far continues to read my upcoming works in the future, and if you don't, it was nice having you here while you were. Thanks for helping my dream of being an author both in real life and on the internet come true. <3 - With love, MinervaFeatherflight.


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